Four Ways To Reparent Yourself

quick tips Apr 12, 2020

Today we're talking about your inner child.

Or as I like to say, your inner children because there's more than one.

Picture your brain like a dining room. In the middle, there's a big table and sitting around it are all the different parts of you at different ages.

For example, in my case, I have the 6-year-old Drew, the 13-year-old Drew and the 20-year-old Drew.

The 13-year-old me, the one that I hated the most, is not surprisingly also the one who latched on to pornography and masturbation.

So for me to heal deeply, I needed to get to know that 13-year-old kid and learn how to love him. We call this process Reparenting Yourself.

When you're able to do this, It gives you a whole new level of healing.

My clients love this perspective because when a sexual temptation or urge or fantasy comes up, they can see through it to the little boy on the other side who was wounded.

When you get to know that little boy, when you listen to him, freedom from porn becomes so much easier.

It's no longer fighting an uphill battle. It's embracing all the different parts of you and leading them in a new direction.

So how do you repair your younger self?

I know it sounds complicated and confusing, but it's really not.

Basically, when you get triggered and a younger version of yourself is cropping up into the present moment and it wants to get its way, and maybe it wants to use pornography, you start a conversation and you ask yourself, "What would a good parent do? How can I help this child?"

Here are four ways to reparent yourself:

Notice.

A good dad doesn't ignore his kid.

You notice their body language, you name their feelings and see if you're understanding them correctly. So you can do this with yourself.

Notice the sensations in your body: "I'm feeling tense, I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling numb." Identify emotions. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's shame.

Simply noticing and naming those things is a great way to begin the conversation with your younger self.
Affirm.

Celebrate the good things! A good dad doesn't assume you know how awesome you are or what you're doing well.

Call out the things that are good and name the things that are hard.

For example, my 13-year-old self needed affirmation that I was going through something really, really hard.

After noticing my pain, I also needed to affirm him, saying "I see you persevering through this and I realize it's so hard." That would have meant so much to me at that time.
Support.

Just spend quality time. A good dad spends quality time with you, not with any agenda. Just finding out what you love to do and doing it with you so you can do this for your inner child too.

You need tp set aside time for self-care and self-expression and doing something together with your younger self. Spend quality time with him and you won't feel the need to act out with pornography as much.
Challenge.

A good dad offers challenge in an age-appropriate way based on his wisdom and his experience. He speaks into your life.

This is something you can do for your younger self. Inspire him. Correct him. Challenge him. Tell him the things he needs to hear.

Ask yourself: "What did I need to hear at 13 years old? What did I need to do?" and then challenge yourself to do those things.

Maybe some of these things seem like common sense to you, but are you really doing them?

When you get triggered and your younger self is clamoring for attention and trying to take control, are you noticing and affirming and supporting and challenging like a good dad would do?

When you're able to do this, your journey towards sexual wholeness and your freedom from porn won't be a journey of fear.

It'll be a journey of love: getting to know those younger parts of you and embracing them, just like a good dad would do.

You're not alone in re-fathering yourself because you are God's beloved son. In you, He is well pleased.

If you'd like a little bit more help in putting this into practice. I created a free worksheet for you, which you can download below.